no, he came in my armpit
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
