if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
