so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
