so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
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we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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