omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
