I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
