I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He passed out mid-signature
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween