I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.