I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....