I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
