never play flip cup with pint glasses
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
