your thong is hanging out like whoa
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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