Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
