We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
