A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She announced her abortion via fbk
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
