rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
