Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
