By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
