The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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