You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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