Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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