mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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