naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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