So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
