omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
