i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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