Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
