No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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