I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
