I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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