We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
