The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
