hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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