Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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