I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
