I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
