oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
