thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
