And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
