I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
