you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
