I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
