i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
