He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
