i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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