In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
