apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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