This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dear god my vagina.
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