im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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