Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize