Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ğŸ˜ğŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh†while his GF was with him. FML
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