I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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