The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
