You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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