Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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