Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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