awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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