I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
