I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
