I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
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You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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