i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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